Diversity

[Interviewers: In1, In2, In3, Applicants: A1, A2, A3 …]
[Scene 1]

In1: Well, so how many people have you killed until now?

A1: Around three hundred and fourteen

In2: Wow, which organization did you say you belonged to?

A1: I was with Al-Fayda

In2: Awesome, what was your role there?

A1: I was a JAT

In2: JAT? What does that mean?

A1: Junior Associate Terrorist – Sniper Wing, 2 year away from senior associate level

In3: So why did you leave, you must be making millions?

A1: Compensation was not an issue. When I was in Afganistan, I lost my eye during one of the joint operations against civilians opposing our rule. [Lifts his eye patch to show a missing eye] And could no longer work in Sniper Segment.

In1: Well my friend, I take pleasure in the fact that our company is a world class company that focuses on honesty, integrity and above all … diversity … and you my friend belong to a very diverse pool

In3: Plus, hiring a diverse employee jacks up our diversity parameter there by enhancing our “Best Company to work with” Rankings

In2: [Hushed voice] You do not have to say that in front of applicants.

In1: [To Applicant] Well you can leave for now, it was nice meeting you and well HR will be reaching out to you shortly with results .. well ..

[A1 shakes hands with everyone and leaves]

In2: Awesome candidate

In3: He is a terrorist, we can’t have a terrorist in our company?

In1: He is an individual who is trying to reform himself. And he needs a chance to change himself and start afresh. He is missing an eye so we can hire him under differently-abled category as a part of our CSR initiatives. I will then internally refer him to operations department as an off-shore strategic consultant. He will be a permanent work-from-home, will dial-in for conf-calls and will not even be coming to office thereby being of no danger to anyone. Just think about the PR this generates for us. [Calls intercom] Can you please send the next applicant in?

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[Scene 2]
[A super-hot girl enters through the door]

In1: Well hello young lady, please have a seat, you are ..

Sapna: I’m Sapna

In2: So Sapna please tell us about yourself.

Sapna: Well I am a fashion model

In2: Wow, so how many assignments have you worked on as yet?

Sapna: None actually … I have been rejecting a lot of work .. I am looking for that perfect assignment actually

In2: Hmm, so what were you doing before this?

Sapna: Sir, I finished my B.Com through correspondence 3 months back, then I started this fashion modeling thing.

In1: Well correspondence? … you mean distance learning?

Sapna: Yes yes, distance education through correspondence in B.Com

In3: Great

In1: Well Sapna, I understand your story, you have struggled throughout in a society where in girls are either killed at birth or are not even able to finish their education.
[Throat is heavy, wipes off a possible tear from his left eye]

Sapna: No sir, [Little accent] I am born and brought up in a city actually and my parents wanted me to study more but I kept running away from schools. Actually fashion modeling is where my passion lies.

In3: Full marks on honesty and passion there. If you are so passionate about fashion modeling then why apply for this job?

Sapna: Sir, I want to take a “break” from modeling for sometime and then return to limelight after a few weeks.

In3: You mean you only wish to work here for a few weeks? Isn’t that great.

In2: [Coughs to change topic] Sapna, let us talk about things in general, what are your thoughts on our political system?

Sapna: Yes sir I have been reading a lot about it on the Wikipedia.org in last few days sir. And I don’t like politics at workplace. We come here to work not to do politics and gossiping, sir.

In1: Well Sapna, you have very clear views there. No one likes office politics especially our company is very much against it, instead we focus on talent, knowledge and diversity, and you have all the 3 qualities.

In3: Especially the 3rd quality.

In1: Well Sapna you can go now, HR will reach out to you shortly with an offer … I mean HR will reach out to you with their decision that you get the offer or not.

Sapna: [Getting up] I promise sir, I’ll work very hard sir.

[Sapna leaves]

In3: So now you plan to hire her?

In1: Can you please keep your wise-cracks down, especially during the interview? [Intercom] Next applicant please.

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[Scene 3]
[A3 comes dressed in formals with a tie]

In2: [Going through his certificates] So, you are a software engineer?

A3: No sir, I am an electrical engineer with a specialization in signal systems.

In1: Same thing, you techie guys.

A3: Sir, I have worked with multiple clients on highly critical business projects. We had recently invented …

In2: So let me call you Mr. HCL and you call me Mr. Banker? Hahaha [Laughs loudly]

A3: Sir?

In2: [Quickly stops laughing, seeing that no one else laughed] Just joking.

In1: Well lets cut to the chase, give us 7 reasons why we should hire you?

A3: Sir, firstly ..

In2: Do you know we already have a lot of software engineers working for us. And why would we even hire a software engineer for this role?

A3: Sir actually I had a few questions on the Job Description, it was not very clear from the advertisement.

In1: So now you don’t even know what the job is?

A3: Sir …

In2: We are yet to decide on the Key Result Areas but I guess our vision was very clear from the Job Descriptions, no?

A3: Yes sir ..

In1: Then why are you clueless? You don’t even understand the job and you have the guts to show up for the interview .. well ..

A3: Sir due to some personal circumstances I had to leave my previous job and I really need this job.

In2: Yeah yeah personal problems, this issue, that issue, I have been recruiting since 25 years son, I hear this everyday. But we want extremely competent, hardworking and talented people with absolutely clean track record.

In1: Well son, I think you may as well leave now … the HR will reach out to you on whether you have not been selected or you have been selected.

[A3 slowly pickups up his certificate booklet and leaves]

In2: Enough for this session, I am starving, do you guys wanna go and grab a bite?

In3: You wanna grab and bite? … whom?

In2: That’s just sick … I said grab a bite … a sandwich and a coffee? Am I clear now?

In1: Well .. let’s take a quick break, we have a lot of applicants in the funnel.

[End]