Diversity

[Interviewers: In1, In2, In3, Applicants: A1, A2, A3 …]
[Scene 1]

In1: Well, so how many people have you killed until now?

A1: Around three hundred and fourteen

In2: Wow, which organization did you say you belonged to?

A1: I was with Al-Fayda

In2: Awesome, what was your role there?

A1: I was a JAT

In2: JAT? What does that mean?

A1: Junior Associate Terrorist – Sniper Wing, 2 year away from senior associate level

In3: So why did you leave, you must be making millions?

A1: Compensation was not an issue. When I was in Afganistan, I lost my eye during one of the joint operations against civilians opposing our rule. [Lifts his eye patch to show a missing eye] And could no longer work in Sniper Segment.

In1: Well my friend, I take pleasure in the fact that our company is a world class company that focuses on honesty, integrity and above all … diversity … and you my friend belong to a very diverse pool

In3: Plus, hiring a diverse employee jacks up our diversity parameter there by enhancing our “Best Company to work with” Rankings

In2: [Hushed voice] You do not have to say that in front of applicants.

In1: [To Applicant] Well you can leave for now, it was nice meeting you and well HR will be reaching out to you shortly with results .. well ..

[A1 shakes hands with everyone and leaves]

In2: Awesome candidate

In3: He is a terrorist, we can’t have a terrorist in our company?

In1: He is an individual who is trying to reform himself. And he needs a chance to change himself and start afresh. He is missing an eye so we can hire him under differently-abled category as a part of our CSR initiatives. I will then internally refer him to operations department as an off-shore strategic consultant. He will be a permanent work-from-home, will dial-in for conf-calls and will not even be coming to office thereby being of no danger to anyone. Just think about the PR this generates for us. [Calls intercom] Can you please send the next applicant in?

-----

[Scene 2]
[A super-hot girl enters through the door]

In1: Well hello young lady, please have a seat, you are ..

Sapna: I’m Sapna

In2: So Sapna please tell us about yourself.

Sapna: Well I am a fashion model

In2: Wow, so how many assignments have you worked on as yet?

Sapna: None actually … I have been rejecting a lot of work .. I am looking for that perfect assignment actually

In2: Hmm, so what were you doing before this?

Sapna: Sir, I finished my B.Com through correspondence 3 months back, then I started this fashion modeling thing.

In1: Well correspondence? … you mean distance learning?

Sapna: Yes yes, distance education through correspondence in B.Com

In3: Great

In1: Well Sapna, I understand your story, you have struggled throughout in a society where in girls are either killed at birth or are not even able to finish their education.
[Throat is heavy, wipes off a possible tear from his left eye]

Sapna: No sir, [Little accent] I am born and brought up in a city actually and my parents wanted me to study more but I kept running away from schools. Actually fashion modeling is where my passion lies.

In3: Full marks on honesty and passion there. If you are so passionate about fashion modeling then why apply for this job?

Sapna: Sir, I want to take a “break” from modeling for sometime and then return to limelight after a few weeks.

In3: You mean you only wish to work here for a few weeks? Isn’t that great.

In2: [Coughs to change topic] Sapna, let us talk about things in general, what are your thoughts on our political system?

Sapna: Yes sir I have been reading a lot about it on the Wikipedia.org in last few days sir. And I don’t like politics at workplace. We come here to work not to do politics and gossiping, sir.

In1: Well Sapna, you have very clear views there. No one likes office politics especially our company is very much against it, instead we focus on talent, knowledge and diversity, and you have all the 3 qualities.

In3: Especially the 3rd quality.

In1: Well Sapna you can go now, HR will reach out to you shortly with an offer … I mean HR will reach out to you with their decision that you get the offer or not.

Sapna: [Getting up] I promise sir, I’ll work very hard sir.

[Sapna leaves]

In3: So now you plan to hire her?

In1: Can you please keep your wise-cracks down, especially during the interview? [Intercom] Next applicant please.

-----

[Scene 3]
[A3 comes dressed in formals with a tie]

In2: [Going through his certificates] So, you are a software engineer?

A3: No sir, I am an electrical engineer with a specialization in signal systems.

In1: Same thing, you techie guys.

A3: Sir, I have worked with multiple clients on highly critical business projects. We had recently invented …

In2: So let me call you Mr. HCL and you call me Mr. Banker? Hahaha [Laughs loudly]

A3: Sir?

In2: [Quickly stops laughing, seeing that no one else laughed] Just joking.

In1: Well lets cut to the chase, give us 7 reasons why we should hire you?

A3: Sir, firstly ..

In2: Do you know we already have a lot of software engineers working for us. And why would we even hire a software engineer for this role?

A3: Sir actually I had a few questions on the Job Description, it was not very clear from the advertisement.

In1: So now you don’t even know what the job is?

A3: Sir …

In2: We are yet to decide on the Key Result Areas but I guess our vision was very clear from the Job Descriptions, no?

A3: Yes sir ..

In1: Then why are you clueless? You don’t even understand the job and you have the guts to show up for the interview .. well ..

A3: Sir due to some personal circumstances I had to leave my previous job and I really need this job.

In2: Yeah yeah personal problems, this issue, that issue, I have been recruiting since 25 years son, I hear this everyday. But we want extremely competent, hardworking and talented people with absolutely clean track record.

In1: Well son, I think you may as well leave now … the HR will reach out to you on whether you have not been selected or you have been selected.

[A3 slowly pickups up his certificate booklet and leaves]

In2: Enough for this session, I am starving, do you guys wanna go and grab a bite?

In3: You wanna grab and bite? … whom?

In2: That’s just sick … I said grab a bite … a sandwich and a coffee? Am I clear now?

In1: Well .. let’s take a quick break, we have a lot of applicants in the funnel.

[End]

Face"booked"

[Coffee Shop. Roshan is sitting when Rakshanda enters the shop]

Rakshanda: Hi

Roshan: [texting on phone] Hey bro

Rakshanda: Bro?

Roshan: Oh sorry sis

Rakshanda: Sis?

Roshan: Oh gawd whats happening.  [speaks sweetly]  Hi Rakshanda, how are you? Please sit. Shall I order some coffee?

Rakshanda: Perhaps later  [sits]  wassup? How is life?

Roshan: M good, how u?

Rakshanda: M good too, how is work?

Roshan: I love my relationship with my bed. No commitment needed. We just sleep together every night. Ha ha ha … he he he [made-up laughter]

Rakshanda: Dude?

Roshan: He he he, ha ha ha, heh heh … he he … ha ..  he … [slowly stops laughing, can’t fake the laughter no more]

Rakshanda: What was that?

Roshan: It’s a facebook status I read just now

Rakshanda: Bed an all kinda sounds despo …

Roshan: Still a better story than twilight , he he he, ha ha ha .. he he, ha ha ….. he … ha… [slowly stops … again can’t keep up the fake laughter]

Rakshanda: Roshan?

Roshan: Well that was another FB status, twilight bashing an all , u see…

Rakshanda: No, I got that, but can you come back to real life please? Out of Facebook plz?

Roshan: I am a bitch and a bastard combined, if you have problems f off .. ha ha ha, hi hi hi , hu hu hu

Rakshanda: That’s the limit [starts to get up]

Roshan: Arre no no no, that was just those Ecard posts that are shared on Facebook with a smiling face of a man, just saw that

Rakshanda: can you put away that phone, or shall I …

Roshan: [clicks a pic of her on phone and starts texting] … Instagrammed Rakshanda, at CCD Banjara hills, shared on FB, Twitter and 17 other social networks. [smiles]

Rakshanda: You won’t stop this would you?

[Roshan gets up]

Rakshanda: Where are you going now?

Roshan: I gotta go and pee, will you take my pic?

Rakshanda: [Angry] Inside the toilet? You peeing? You want me to click you while you pee?

Roshan: Oh no no, just me going towards the bathroom, I’ll upload that with my feeling emoticon “feeling the pressure”

Rakshanda: Oh My God, you need to see a Psychiatrist.

Roshan: [Suddenly sits down and starts checking the phone]

Rakshanda: What now?

Roshan: Psychiatrist …. Got it … Just joined 5 psychiatrist groups on FB and liked 7 pages … I have added you also to two public groups [smiles]

Rakshanda: I don’t even check Facebook

Roshan: No AifBee???? How are you living?

Rakshanda: Sane

Roshan: hah wow a good one, let me update this as my FB status.

“Question: No FB? How are you living? Answer: Sane    via @Rakshanda”

Rakshanda: Dude m done with you okie, let’s go our separate ways.

Roshan: You mean break-up?

Rakshanda: Yes

Roshan: Oh no no no, please don’t do that

Rakshanda: You and your social BS. I am fed up

Roshan: Please please don’t do that please …

Rakshanda: Give me one reason why I should not?

Roshan: Well …. for one I’ll have to change my relationship status on 13 social networks

Rakshanda: You …

Roshan: And then I have 2137 friends on FB and they are all gonna pull my leg. There will a Facebook Page “Roshan is now only on motion” in my name in no time.

Rakshanda: [drinks her anger from within] … I am leaving … [gets up and starts to walk away]

Roshan: [Starts typing on phone]

Rakshanda: [stops] You …. You are not even going to stop me

Roshan: I will I will, was just typing the new status tagging you that you are angry and I’ll be going after you … but the wifi here has stopped working so the status is not going through. As soon as this is posted I was gonna come and stop you. Believe me dear.

Rakshanda: [Gives up and walks away]

Roshan: Rakshanda, … raku, raku … wait baba … ho gaya … it’s posted, m coming …

--- Atoms of Desire ---

Questioner: Why is there so much chaos around us now-a-days?

Thinker: I think world has always been this chaotic, just that the information overload has made this fact more evident and accessible.

Questioner: I didn’t get you?

Thinker: I read once about a 6000 years old book, which was found in an archeological excavation. Somewhere in the book the author mentions: "Oh so much crime is happening now-days, I don't know where this society is heading, old times were so good.". Do you get my point?

Questioner: Oh so you mean to say the world remains static all the time and so is our perception of it?

Thinker: Not overtly static, all the things change shapes from outside, but what does not change is their inherent essence.

Questioner: What does that mean?

Thinker: I think some ways of the world never change inherently. For example, earlier there were money lenders, today we have credit card companies, doing the same job, earlier people were greatly excited about chariot races, today we have F1 fanatics. Certain things like Dictatorships, prostitution, astrology and many others are highly transformed today but still exist in their old essence as was in ancient times.

Questioner: But why is it so?

Thinker: Because the hunger of man for power, money, land and fame will never die. Even though our societies change crucial attributes such as languages, cultures, laws and lifestyles over centuries, the atoms of desire remain strangely same.


.....

The Bus-Stop Chronicles



[A girl is sitting at the BUS STOP, pink jacket, pink bell-bottoms, white shirt a red scarf on the neck, hair tied nicely at the back, wearing eyeglasses and high black shining heels.]

[Sitting next is a Guy, green suit, green trousers, white shirt, yellow tie, white sports shoes, hair neatly combed with lots of oil in them]

Girl: [To guy] Excuse me, at what time the bus comes?

Guy: Time?

Girl: Yeah, time.

Guy: The time is very bad madam.

Girl: What?

Guy: But you are very beautiful.

Girl: Sorry?

Guy: Oh no no, you don’t have to be sorry for being beautiful.

Girl: Excuse me?

Guy: Oh you are excused.

Girl: Wha …

Guy: What brand of lipstick do you use, is it laurealeee

Girl: Please mind your own business.

Guy: I don’t do business madam. I am a service class person.

Girl: Wh…

Guy: But if you want me to do business I’ll do it.

Girl: Why would I . .

Guy: [Starts leaning on her] You can, a girl has every right on her future husband.

Girl: Gosh . . [Gets up and starts to walk away briskly, Guy also gets up and follows her]

Guy: Madam, where are you running away, why you got so angry, I will do whatever business you want, . . infact I sat at my father’s shop when I was in fourth standard . . I had got a fracture at that time and I was getting bored reading comics . …

Girl: [stops and looks at him in anger] Look mister, my brother-in-law is a police officer

Guy: hey now wait a minute here, now this is a problem with you girls, you see successful men in your family and you want your future husband to be exactly like them, now you want me to be a police officer?

Girl: You? my future husband? Hey mister . .

Guy: Oh sorry I know you have already chosen myself to be your hubby . . its no longer future husband.

Girl: How do you know that?

Guy: That’s why you are not calling out my name too, you are saying mister-mister [gets a bit shy]

Girl: [frustrated] That’s because I don’t know your name.

Guy: [smiles shyly] Mansukh-lal, but you can call me Manshu, out of love.

Girl: Goddddd, see my uncle is a lawyer, and I will . .

Guy: Liar???? I have no problems with that, really. Even if you whole family is full of liars I have no problems at all. We all lie in today’s world, it’s a necessary evil you see. When I was in 7^th standard . .

Girl: Stop pleaseeeeeeee, what do you want?

Guy: I want to kiss you.

Girl: Kiss my ass.

[Guy tries to kiss her ass]

Girl: Hey hey what you doing, you idiot.

Guy: You only asked me to kiss you ass

Girl: Oh God [starts to walk away again]

Guy: Hey madam, you again started to walk, tell me when can we get married?

Girl: Shut up [sees a taxi, screams] TAXI

Guy: But you were sitting at the bus-stop, now you taking taxi?

[Girl gives him an angry look]

Guy: Oh I understand now I will do business, earn more money, you can afford taxis. Good good.

Girl: [Sitting in taxi] Bhaiya, Shanti Nagar

Guy: Where exactly in Shanti Nagar?

[Taxi Drives away. Guy smiles . . . . . . . . then he sees another beautiful girl sitting at the bus stop]

Guy: [spreading his arms] Raaaniiiiii, I am coming.

******

Sunny Paaji vs Ram Khilawan

Ram khilawan: Sir myself Ram Khilawan sir, rejident aaf Chhapra. Hum aapka bahute bada fan hu Sir. Ek tho autograph dijiye na?

Sunny Deol: Acha pehle koi dialogues toh sunaiye mera.

RK: Suar..bilkul abhi lijiye[Sunny deol style] “Ayeeeee……Yeh aadha kilo ka haath jab padta hai na, toh aadmi uthta nahi hai . . .”

Sunny: [smiles] Nahi nahi aadha nahi, dhaayi…

RK: dhaai ka toh aapka haath hai, hamra haath toh dui char sau gram ka raha, hamhu fir bhi aadha bol diye saram karke.

Sunny: Haath aapka hai, par dialogue toh mera tha na Ram Khilawan ji.

RK: Ohh maaf kijiye, zara hamra memory fail hui gawa, idhar ka udhar ho jata hai.

Sunny: acha acha

RK: Ek aur dialogue raha aapka…kya kehet rahe….[Sunny deol style] “Ayeeeee, ….Balwant rai ke pillon…”

Sunny: [smiles] Pillon nahi kutton…kutton!

RK: Kutton? Haan ohh maaf kijiye, zara hamra memory fail hui gawa, actually hamra bagal me sarma ji rehte hain, balwant sarma, unka yahan kaali kutiya ne char chheh pilla diya raha laasht Saturday, toh uhaan ka memory yahan beech me entry kar gaya.

Sunny: Kaafi mazedaar aadmi maloo padte hain aap. Acha ab mujhe zara chalna hoga, shot ready hai.

RK: Ek min, aapka ek dialogue raha jo hamra best hai ekdum..

Sunny: [getting impaitent] Dekhiye Ram Khilawan ji….

RK: Phive minutes sir, phive minutes aaf yuar time. U raha ke ….[Dharmendra style] “Ayeeeee, basanti, in chuhon ke saamne mat nachna…”

Sunny: [getting angry] Ram khilawan isse pehle mera dhaai kilo ka haath uth jaaye tu yaahn se chale ja…yeh mere daddy ka dialogue hai…aur woh bhi galat bola hai toone..

RK: i am bery sorry sir, u hamre gaon me chuha bahut hua raha..u karke...

Sunny: kuttttteeeeeeeeeeeeee...

[the sound of ambulance...]

The Rational 'should'


JOURNALIST: Ok sir my next question, what does this phrase mean? "That's cruel."

RATIONALIST: It is a subset of 'That's irrational.'

JOURNALIST: Means cruel is irrational rather than being wrong.

RATIONALIST: In first place, perceiving somebody as cruel is a prejudice in itself.

JOURNALIST: No, no sir, please don't play with words, you cannot prove wrong as right.

RATIONALIST: There is nothing right, nothing wrong. No Devil no God.

JOURNALIST: So you hate prejudices, is that what you want to imply.

RATIONALIST: I don't imply anything, assumptions and implications are the prejudices of first order, both on the part of actor, and the perceiver.

JOURNALIST: Oh…I am getting a little confused now....

RATIONALIST: You will! Just remove all the curtains of old learnings, deep-rooted believes, try to view things rationally and logically, you will feel less confused.

JOURNALIST: Oh, Rationality?

RATIONALIST: Yes.

JOURNALIST: The disease of our time. [smiles]

RATIONALIST: Another prejudice! I think we should wind up.

JOURNALIST: Second -last question! Why do we have to be rational?

RATIONALIST: Well it's rational to be rational.

JOURNALIST: Equation with no solutions.

RATIONALIST: Ok....well rationality is the best and only way of treating a life scenario.

JOURNALIST: Ahan! I'm not gonna buy it.

RATIONALIST: Well.....Personally I feel rationality is the best way to sail the ship called life.

JOURNALIST: Oh so we ‘should’ be rational. Do I need to ask the last question? [smiles]

RATIONALIST:. . . . . I will think about it.

Terminator in Hastinapur

[Thousands years ago in Jungles of Hastinapur, India, a ball of fire originated, and came out a NAKED terminator

He was on lookout for clothes as-usual and black-colored glasses, then he saw maharishi vishwamitra, whose dhoti was fitting his match (on red screen), he spoke...]

Terminator: I want your clothes and sun-glasses.

Vishwamitra: I don't have any sun-glasses.

Terminator: I want your clothes and sun-glasses.

Vishwamitra: Do you even have an idea whom are you talking to?

Terminator: It's all over now.

Vishwamitra: What is over now?

Terminator: I am terminator and you will be terminated.

vishwamitra: Infact the one to be terminated is you.

Terminator: How?

vishwamitra: Do you see this holy water in my kamandal, i may curse u for eternityyyyyyyyy.

[Lots of lightening and thunder in sky]

vishwamitra: You see my power. My voice leads to thunder-storms in sky.

Terminator: Negative, weather department predicted rain and thunder-showers this evening.

vishwamitra: Theek hai, ja main tujhe shrap deta hu....

Terminator: De do.

vishwamitra: Arre, Hum toh sabhi bhashao ke gyata hain, par tumhe bhi hindi bolni aati hai?

Terminator: Mere mastishk ka sanganak, aas paas ke vatavaran se seekhta rehta hai, aur is karan atyant hi shaktishaali vyavasthao ke pradurbhav ke karanvash....

vishwamitra: Aree bas kar, itni mushkil hindi, ab toh mujhe bhi samajh me aana band ho gaya hai.

Terminator: You are forgetting something. You were going to curse me.

vishwamitra: Hmm, i have concluded that you are a nadaan balak, so i am in a mood to forgive you.

Terminator: I need your clothes.

vishwamitra: I have a spare dhoti fitting my size, you may borrow that for a while.

[Vishwamitra and Terminator are now friends, and they are walking down the jungle]

vishwamitra: Tell me why are you here?

Terminator: Classified information, not to be processed.

vishwamitra: Balak tell me, come'on, we are friends now.

Terminator: Negative.

vishwamitra: Okie ill give u some more dhotiz.

Terminator: Negative.

vishwamitra: [about to speak something]....

Terminator: Negative.

vishwamitra: [angry] I'll give you a shraap that your flesh burns in hell for thousand years.

Terminator: I am a cybernetic organism with metallic structure covered with human flesh, even if my flesh burns, i'll survive.

vishwamitra: What do you think, if you wont tell me i wont know. Balak I know everything, i have a divya drishti.

Terminator: Whats that?

vishwamitra: [smiles] I know, Duryodhan has sent you.

Terminator: How do you know?

vishwamitra: He has lost the mahabharata yudhha in future and he has programmed you and sent you here to kill parents of pandvaas, so that he may rule in peace.

Terminator: How do you know that?

[Suddenly Vishwamitra stabs terminator with his kamandal and terminator's body melts and burns due to high electric sparks]

vishwamitra: [speaks like a robot] I am T-1000, advanced prototype, capable of changing shapes, i was here to terminate you, and you are hereby terminated.

Terminator: [dying] Who sent you?

vishwamitra: Prabhu Sri-Krishna.